“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how”.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Funnily enough, I named this post, “Finding My Why” loooong before I ever read that quote in Viktor Frankl‘s book Man’s Search For Meaning, but the book seriously brought this post back to life. I was kind of struggling with some of these new ideas when I first started this post.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve changed quite a few things about my life. Some of those changes, like adopting a better diet, were choices made willingly. Others, like leaving my career in the beauty industry, felt more like I was being dragged into a battle I wanted nothing to do with.

Except, in reality, I was giving up a battle. I was letting go of stress and problems that weren’t mine to begin with.

My back problems became too much to deal with in March of 2018. That’s the last time I’ve worked behind the chair or in the treatment room. I have worked in the industry since then, just not in that capacity.

At first, I was kind of devastated. My career was really starting to launch. I was building my books, making really great money, and working maybe 30 hours a week tops.

The downside to all those perks was the ridiculous amount of stress I was under. Anyone in the industry can tell you a dozen horror stories -from hearing horrible things going on in their 2p.m. hair cuts life, to the ass chewing they recived from their 5:30 color, for no reason.

Don’t get me wrong – I really did love making people feel and look their best. I had a lot more positive encounters than negative, but those negative instances really took their toll.

When my back took me out of the game, I went through all the normal stages of grief. If this seems silly or dramatic, you probably have never had a chronic illness take something from you.

Now days, I’ve even had to quit my retail and education job in the industry. I traded that in for a work study position at my Universities School of Social Work.

The change has been rough, but really rewarding in the end. Because of the free time I’ve had this summer, I’ve been able to focus on recovering from the infection induced pseudo flare of the Spring and subseuent new lesions.

I’ve also been able to focus on narrowing down what my true passions and visions for the future are. This summer, I’ve spent hours researching my interests, trying to build a possible career with them in my mind.

I’ve rediscovered a lot about myself.

I’ve always been drawn to health professions, as many beauty professionals are. Before I got behind the chair, I worked as a CNA for a few years.

After really doing some soul searching, I’ve realized that my future still lies in helping and caring for people. I know getting a bachelors degree will help me along the way.

Speaking of my degree, I’m officially two weeks into my sophomore year. They’ve been two very crazy, chaotic weeks. I was dx with an upper respiratory infection last Thursday – but hey, I made it through the first week of school.

I’m really grateful I got this lesson as young as I did. Was it easy waking up one day, in the same body, but with completely different limitations? Knowing the career I’d worked for, wasn’t working for me? Having to completely start over? I’d never lie and say it was. For me though, it was necessary.

I’ve said it before, especially in my Rebirthday post – life is better post dx. The career I planned is out of reach, so I’ve been able to realign my future with my values. Not a lot feels better than that.

I’m studying Health Sciences, but my end goal is an LCSW, so I may be switching again. I’m focusing on Nutrition and either Psychology or Physical Training. All of those things have played such vital roles in my recovery, and I plan to spread this awareness as far as I can. No one gave me a handbook when I was diagnosed with one chronic illness, then another and another…I may not have a handbook yet, but I can try to be a helping hand until we make one.

This has become the why that drives my how. If I can make this journey a little easier on someone else, why wouldn’t I? More importantly, who’s in a better position to do so?

Ironically, I’m off to hit the books…hard. I’ve got an exam next week, a paper due the next, and a ton of studying to get caught up on. Managing College and a Chronic Illness is difficult, but rewarding…and will probably be the name of a blog post coming up soon.

Until then, you can check out what I’m up to on Instagram and Pinterest. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list so you can keep up with Stumble Pup, too!