I’ve tried writing this a couple times, but admitting when I’m not living up to my own standards is hard.
Right now I’m pondering the decision I’ve made to give up the ccma program I’ve been invested in since February. To be honest, the first couple of weeks should have been a dead giveaway that this wasn’t meant to be.
First, the books so heavy I had to get a rolling bag. (Although that was a great idea from jump street.) Hours that kept me from home until after 10pm three nights a week. An 80 hour externship over the summer. My utter lack of interest…
Medical assisting is a very fascinating field, don’t get me wrong. I know one I really look up to as a person, who rocks her office job and teaches too. It just isn’t for me. I think I probably could have struggled on, just through pure will and bull headedness. Not to mention my fierce determination that I have to do everything people say I can’t. Usually twice. With photographic evidence.
This time, alas, ms + an unfortunate series of events got me like Bernie Bott’s got Dumbledore.
My teacher unfortunately had to cancel class quite a few times. All this was all out of his control, but it resulted in more class dates being added, which would mean four nights a week, and then the program decided to push graduation back two weeks.
Add to all of that, I started getting flarey a week before our spring break started. I wasn’t expecting this bout at all, but really thought two weeks would be long enough to kick it. However, here we are, a two weeks post er vist and there is absolutely no way I will last until 10pm anywhere other than in my bed.
Am I disappointed? Hell yeah. Not in myself, but in the outcome of the situation. I know that I’ve done all in my power to get this thing done – I’ve passed all my tests (maybe with a little extra credit, but I passed) and been to all my classes but one. I even have a project ready to turn in…when I never return.
I know that if the situation were even a little different, just one factor gone, I’d get this done. I’ve never been one to give up before.
Maybe, this is part of growing up, right?
I know I say that all the time – I’m 27, and smart, but only because I know how dumb I am too. What I mean is…maybe learning when to throw in the towel is growth, too.
I’ve always seen it as the opposite. Only someone too weak to reach the finish line gives up, right? I’ve always thought of myself as strong because I never gave up. Being the underdog just meant a longer fight, not lack therof.
Pretty sure I got it wrong.
Then, I listened to a podcast by a fellow ms’er named Dennis called The Warrior’s Way – you can find a link to it on iTunes here or Spotify here. I highly suggest subscribing – he’s funny and talks about ms in a way we can all get.
The episode I listened to is called Secure Your Mask, because of the boring speech you hear before taking off in a plane. Never having been on a plane myself, I haven’t heard it – but I’ve heard of the speech a million times, so it must be pretty bad.
The episode was about the importance behind that message, and it was a lesson I needed. In my case, in order to secure my own mask, that means protecting myself f r o m myself.
My own expectations are often my worst enemy.
Throwing in the towel this time means being able to take up what I’ve been neglecting. It means being able to focus on recovering. I can get it done before summer hits, rather than overstretching myself all this time. That could stretch my recovery out until fall, or even longer.
So basically long story short –
- Giving up the ccma program means I’m learning to be strong, not showing weakness.
- I like getting older because I get SO much smarter. I’ll take the crows feet and saggy skin with the side of inner confidence and wisdom thank you very much.
