I had a moment today, and I don’t have very many moments. I’ve gotten much better at this in the past couple of years, and I try to be as unbothered by irrelevant stuff as I possibly can. Because like they say, life really is too short, and those with MS know that with a different kind of certainty.

But today, I had a moment. And that’s ok, all my feelings are valid, in my heart for a reason, and meant to be felt…I just hate when it’s so messy.

I was going to post something travel wise today about our first cruise or some tips for camping, but instead I decided

I want to do something more spontaneous. Which I never am, and it feels very weird, but sometimes it’s good to go outside of your comfort zone, so I’m going with it.

So I present – Friday Feelings. This weeks feeling is – unprepared. Which I’m trying to be ok with.

Not that I’m unprepared in a lot of ways. I’m really good at setting up a schedule that keeps me on track, a budget that keeps us afloat, and routines that keep my household running smoothly. I started my Christmas shopping in July, I have a weekly meal plan, and a fancy planner complete with stickers and dashboards. In the ways I feel like society expects us to be, I am prepared.

The past week, I’ve been confronted with a lot of situations I was not prepared for. Tough discussions I had to have, and tough decisions I didn’t want to be responsible for. Being 26, there are way more things I’ve never encountered than those I have. Adulting isn’t exactly new to me, but the older I get, the less I want to adult. At all. In any way.

More money, more problems, right? Except add medical issues and bills, so subtract some money, and quadruple the problems and decisions to be made. In my case, at least.

I do think that with all my issues did come some blessings, one of which is knowing that none of this is permanent. That does help handling everything…and eventually, I do figure out how to have those difficult conversations, and what decision is best. I have a ton of help with this, and while it does make everything SO much easier, it makes me feel somehow…inadequate. Unprepared.

Shouldn’t I have the answers? What would I do if I didn’t have an Aunt to call for investment advice, or a husband who helps me figure out how to word things so they’re not so blunt?? Would I just be SOL, flapping in the wind?? Shouldn’t I have learned enough to know what to do in these “adult-y” situations by now? Isn’t it obvious which is better, stocks vs bonds, or higher return savings vs an FSA, and so on?

This is where meditation really helps me. 2014 Bri would be panicking, crying and freaking TF out. I mean ugly crying, snot everywhere, belly aching, can’t breathe, thinking the world was going to end. One decision had me seriously freaking out, so I texted my husband and Mom, turned my phone on DND, and meditated for 10 minutes.

(Then I freaked out for a couple seconds. Balance.)

My moment today wasn’t about any one thing…the whole week just kind of piled on me all at once. I’ve had a couple days off from work, which has been productive, but it’s been a long week, man. Even if I haven’t pushed myself physically, mentally it’s been exhausting. I don’t usually admit when things are getting to me…simply because now, they don’t. 99% of things I used to let get to me, no longer do, but…

Today, they got to me. Hardcore. No ugly crying, but a half way mid life existential crisis occured before 10am. I felt like every decision i’ve ever made is shit and I’m ruining everyone’s life. And that’s ok. As long as I don’t let it get to me all day. It sucks, but it’s ok. I guess getting older means I’m able to work through and process my emotions more rationally or something??

Is this growing up? If it means no ugly crying, I may be ok with some of it. However, I’m writing this in my Jurassic Park tee listening to the Sorcerer’s Stone, so some things will never change. Balance.

Editing to add – It’s now Saturday morning, and as usual, this was supposed to go out last evening! So, I may end up posting another before the weekends over! For now, I’m going to see what kind of day my fave red head and our pups are gonna have. I hope everyone has a fun + safe weekend!