Officially, I’ve been living marriage with a chronic illness for five years. That doesn’t really capture the magnitude of issues my chronic illnesses have caused over the 12 years we’ve lived together.
I’ve lived with my husband since I was 18. If you know a little about my journey to getting diagnosed, I first noticed serious symptoms when I was around 16 years old, and over time, they became more frequent and serious. When I met my husband, I was enjoying a period of calm after a serious storm.
That didn’t last very long.
Every three years, I had an exacerbation, of various degrees of severity. These eventually culminated in the episode I had that led me to get hospitalized, and officially diagnosed.
I first wrote about being married with MS back in 2019. I highly suggest taking a look at that post. It is filled with a lot of insights into my first year of marriage officially diagnosed.
Four years later, I’ve learned even more. Living marriage with a chronic illness is not for the faint at heart. We’ve shared many ups and downs, highs and lows. I know I’m blessed to share this roller coaster we call life with my best friend, and all the struggles I face living with multiple chronic illnesses.
Here’s a few things I’ve learned living marriage with chronic illness.
He Wants to Help
…and when I don’t ask, it doesn’t just insult him. It makes him feel even more helpless than my symptoms do.
Now, my symptoms, I can only control to a certain point. Besides a healthy diet, exercise, supplements, and my DMT, there’s not much I can do. When he sees me grimace in pain, or get sick, it obviously makes him feel helpless. But, he knows I can’t control it.
Now, moving heavy furniture without asking for help? Pushing myself past my limits to get the house spotless, and dinner on the table? Those are things I can control, and when I don’t ask him for help, I’m not just making it harder on myself. I’m taking away one of the things that HE can control, and feel like he’s making a difference.
Even if you don’t want to, ask for help.
Keep It Simple
By simple, I mean this – if an issue won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes upset about it. That’s probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received from an older married couple, and it’s so true.
With multiple chronic illnesses, I have more than enough on my plate to worry about.
If we waste time fighting over something petty, we’re losing time we could be spending together, enjoying the other’s company. I have no idea what the future holds, and my diagnoses have made that abundantly clear. I don’t want to waste time on a small problem, when there are much bigger ones to deal with.
Keep it simple, and worry about what really matters.
Keep Plans for the Future at the Forefront
This can be really difficult, especially if you’re in the midst of a health crisis. I’ve found that this helps me a lot, though.
Having something to look forward to can really do wonders for your mental health. It can also give you a goal to work towards with your physical health.
When I start planning a trip, I get a sense of excitement, regardless if it’s a ten day trip out of the country, or a three day camping trip. It is easy to get wrapped up in the daily monotony of dealing with life with chronic illnesses. You’re always thinking about what you’ve ate, did you take your supplements, is it time to do a shot, did you drink enough water, etc. Having something to look forward to and plan for can break up this cycle, and give you a new perspective.
That perspective is important for me. It’s hard to just trudge through the daily grind. Having a why behind what I’m doing makes it much more worth it.
I’m working out today so I can hike that mountain in three months. I’m doing my shot tonight so I don’t have a relapse before my trip. Sticking to my schedule will help me have the energy to enjoy my trip later.
All of those why’s make it easier to stick to healthy habits when I’m at home. The boost to my mental health from having something to look forward to is immeasurable. So, it’s a win-win, in my book.
Find New Hobbies, or Modify Old Ones, Together
When I was first diagnosed, all the hobbies we usually did together went straight out the window. I didn’t have nearly the energy or stamina to engage in them anymore. In addition to that, I knew we were at risk of drifting apart. He was working such long hours to make up some of the income we’d lost when I left my job, so this added to that. I started looking for new, fun ways to spend time together at home, and discovered we both actually really enjoyed painting together.
Now, neither of us could be called ‘good’ artists. However, that didn’t stop us, and we had a lot of fun.
Once I got some of my energy back, we started camping again, which was something we really enjoyed prior to my diagnosis. That changed too, though.
We no longer looked for the most challenging hiking trail, or inaccessible sites to camp on. Instead, we planned our trips to make sure I had plenty of shade to rest in and keep my core temperature down. We checked out lots of trails, we just stuck to the ones we knew I could handle. In short, we took camping back up as one of our main hobbies, but we modified it to what I needed now.
I think this helped us find new ways to connect, and strengthen our relationship after such a struggle with my diagnosis.
Keep It You & Them Vs. The Problem
One thing I mentioned in my last post, that I find even more important is this – never make it you vs. them, make sure it’s you & them vs. the problem.
When you fight between yourselves about anything – finances, housing, jobs, kids, etc – and you make your partner the enemy, you’re tearing your relationship apart. If the relationship is worth having, this can be one of the worst things you do.
One thing we learned in couples therapy is to make sure we keep a solidified front against any issues we may be facing. As long as we face any problem we’re having head on, together, we can overcome just about anything.
This has come in use so many times, and with so many issues. Whether it’s the death of a family member, changing a job, or something similar, we make sure we face it together.
Being a team comes with many advantages, as long as you face problems together.
Everything we’ve been through has made me realize how lucky I am to have him. I really fell in love with my best friend at 18, and God willing, will get to spend the rest of my life with him.
I do want to say, however, that you can’t force a relationship. If you’re in an abusive or neglectful relationship, none of these perks makes it worth working for. There are all types of help getting out of those types of relationships, and here is a link to help you find a way out.
I hope that if you or someone you love are in a relationship and dealing with a chronic illness, that this post gives you some hope. You can make it, and you can make it a happy, fruitful relationship.
Do you have any tips for couples dealing with chronic illness? Let me know down below in a comment, or email me via bri@stumblepup.com
As always, you can also connect with me on Instagram or Pinterest.
Until next time,
