Grieving is a difficult process, no matter what you’ve lost. I’ve posted tips on dealing with grief after losing a loved one before after my grandmother passed away. Today, I’m discussing something a little different – ways to deal when you’re grieving your old life.
Although it’s guided my personal perspective, this is not a situation unique to people with a chronic illness. There are tons of circumstances that force a person to leave a life behind that they really wanted and worked hard for. When these types of situations happen, it sucks.
I didn’t wake up in my mid-twenties and suddenly decide I wanted to leave a career behind that I’d been working at for 6 years for no reason. MS, and my other autoimmune diagnosis’, made that decision for me.
Although that decision was made for me, how I chose to react to the decision was up to me. It was really hard at first…now, looking back, my life has been better post-dx than it ever was before. Back then though, it felt like I was trying to tread water, but really it was quicksand, and I was weighed down with a decade of baggage, all at the same time.
It took a lot of time, patience, and research before I became more comfortable in this MS skin. It’s weird; living with symptoms for a decade before my diagnosis didn’t prepare me for the actual label, and all the feelings it would entail.
Three years later, I’m still trying to figure it out. Below are some of the best ways I’ve found to cope.
1 – Experience those Feelings
If you just let an emotion pass by without some examination of it, you’re missing the point. Grief, and all the feelings that come along with it, are natural human reactions. We feel some type of way for some type of reason, usually. Did you have to quit your job due to an illness? Miss your coworkers? Angry about losing perks and benefits? Scared about how you’ll pay your bills? Confused about where to go next? Wondering what your next dream will be, and how you’ll ever be able to achieve it? Those are all things that crossed my mind, and heart, after I had to quit my jobs pre-MS.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve had to leave positions, but for other reasons. I left BEFORE they exacerbated my symptoms, because I could recognize the warning signs. I knew they wouldn’t be right for me or my situation. While it isn’t easier to swallow, it’s better to quit while I’m ahead, lesion speaking.
If I had just ignored those thoughts that came up after every job change, and all the emotions that accompanied them, I’d never have grown. I think I’d still be wallowing in those feelings, while trying to ignore them.
I dealt with them by going to therapy, a lot of it, and all different types. There are plenty of ways to tap into this aspect of ourselves, though. Journaling costs nothing but time, and can have great benefits. Of course, I can’t miss an opportunity to recommend meditation, which does wonders for this. There are tons of free resources for this, and paid options, as well. I talk a lot about coping mechanisms in this post on Dealing with Trauma.
2 – Ride the Waves
Going along with the previous point – those pesky emotions? Just when you think you’ve worked through them, that familiar anger or sadness will pop back up in the weirdest ways. Something will come along to remind you of what you’d have if you’d been able to continue along that trajectory; an award, a degree, or some other accomplishment. Maybe it’s just an old song you loved to jam out to at your old job or school, or even a random dream one night. Someone could bring it up, or your mind just won’t shut off the, “what if’s?” one night.
Whatever it is, grief comes in waves. Be easy on yourself, and ride it out. It’ll pass. Soon enough, the waves won’t crash over you, sweeping you off your feet. Slowly but surely, you’ll be able to tread water; sometime after that, you’ll barely notice the waves lapping your feet. It’ll pass.
3 – Find A New Dream
It was not easy for me when I gave up my beauty career. In fact, I tried to hang onto it as long as I possibly could. I went from behind the chair to a supply store, hoping that change would be enough to keep me in the industry.
Sometimes, it’s just time for a new dream.
In learning to cope with my new normal, I have learned SO much about myself. This included the fact that I did have different dreams, just waiting for me to realize them. Are they as glamorous as the career I envisioned for myself behind the chair and in the treatment room? Hardly. Are they more fulfilling than that glamorous one would have ever been? Absolutely.
Just because it wasn’t what fit my plans, the future I’d constructed in my mind, doesn’t mean it wasn’t what was meant for me all along. Same goes for you. Even if you’ve had to give up the future you thought you had doesn’t mean something great isn’t waiting for you. You don’t have to see it to have hope that it’s there.
4 – It’s okay to reminisce, but don’t live in the past
A trip down memory lane can be good every once in a while; after all, if we don’t remember the past, we’re bound to repeat our mistakes, right? Life can’t be really lived if we’re dwelling in the past. Like I said in my first tip, feel those feelings; I was sad that I was giving up my career, that’s normal. I had to feel that, what felt like a million and a half times, and move on. I’d be miserable today though if I’d just continued to cling to the past, forcing myself to fit into a box when I was clearly a circle. If you want to stroll down memory lane, that’s cool; but make it a quick trip, not an overnight visit, which can quickly lead to a lot longer of a trip than planned, or is healthy.
There’s more than enough to be dealing with if a chronic illness is in the picture – there’s no need to add to it with unnecessary worries over something out of your control. Moving on, and growing, is never comfortable, but in the long run, it’s worth it.
Stay safe – until next time,
